Why I can’t speak frankly about my life or my feelings

If you have read other pages on my website, you might believe that I am brutally open and honest. You would be wrong. I self-censor. At most, I write about 20% of my life and my feelings. The following Twitter conversations illustrate multiple reasons why it’s dangerous for me to be frank.

When I write about personal things, I am vulnerable. When multiple people read about my pain but don’t respond, the silence is tacit condemnation or indifference.

I wrote a post that is more frank than most other posts. I shared this post with more people than any post I have written. Silence. So, I wrote a tweet.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991198917315280896?s=19

Only one reply out of 209 views of this tweet, but that doesn’t include the hundreds of other views of this post or link. It’s not total silence, but it’s close.

 

The one reply was passive aggressive.

@LaraCash1 has written to/at me before. She is rarely empathetic and usually critical. So, I tried to gently explain what advice I need.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991276327163478017?s=19

Some people give me excellent advice. Some give money. Some give items, such as a lighter. Some give other kinds of help, such as hitchhiking. Some people give me more than one kind of help.

The overwhelming majority of people, however, will only give me their opinion and under no circumstances would help me in any other way. @LaraCash1 told me that she was in that crowd.

My original post has 630 words. I explained many of the reasons why I am in desperate need of help. Only seven words mentioned—gently—that I have recently been struggling with suicidal thoughts. “For many months, I have considered suicide.” If her advice would lead to her helping me survive, I want it! But more lecturing will not save me. So, I was frank.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991298453207592960?s=19

But this event gets more absurd. Immediately next to @LaraCash1’s first reply in my Twitter feed was a tweet from those horribly useless so-called suicide prevention campaigns. Scientific studies have shown that these campaigns either don’t help or they increase the risk of suicide in the people they have contact with. The message of this campaign is to ask people if they feel suicidal.

Merely two minutes before I saw this harmful campaign, I had frankly told @LaraCash1 I feel suicidal. So, I replied to this campaign.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991299110643814400?s=19

Because I was frank with her, she attacked me.

She is apparently an expert on suicide, and she has concluded that I am a coward.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991300043855417344?s=19

Later, I realized I need to block her, so I did.

I shared her viciousness with the so-called suicide prevention campaign.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991301353904291840?s=19

I received advice, of course, but no help, of course.

https://twitter.com/Hannah_E_Quinn/status/991380301204086784?s=19

https://twitter.com/JackieOstrande3/status/991326485431701504?s=19

Both of them are saying the same thing, “I won’t help you, but keep talking and someone will help you.” That’s a version of the “I’ll never help you” problem I mentioned above.

And both of them dismiss or ignore that I had just told them that when I am frank about my feelings, I get attacked. Their advice is: “Keep telling people you have suicidal thoughts, keep getting attacked for being frank, and maybe you will get help before you die or kill yourself.” I tried to point out how horrible that is.

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991329292503035904?s=19

I tried to explain “#IdAsk if someone were feeling suicidal” is a terrible idea because it was the same as “Sending thoughts and prayers.”

https://twitter.com/HunterHoganNOW/status/991302789509742592?s=19

If I told you that someone then sincerely offered me thoughts and prayers, would you believe me? Well, I have good news! No one offered me thoughts and prayers—they only offered prayers. 

https://twitter.com/JackieOstrande3/status/991329884076236802?s=19

The organization running the campaign replied to me. The organization is named “Stop Suicide.” Their campaign is to get people to “directly” talk about suicidal feelings. I had already unambiguously stated I had suicidal feelings. But they started their reply with, “If you…” If! They are trying to engage people in conversations, but avoid a conversation with me by putting more burden on me to continue the conversation.

Plus, if I want to talk to them, I must send them a private message. They should lead by example: have a conversation with me about suicide. Let other people see exactly what they want them to do.

An organization named Stop Suicide running a campaign about talking to people about their suicidal thoughts didn’t want to talk to me when I was frank about my feelings. Why should I ever be frank with anyone about anything?

The net effect: I feel more suicidal

Immediately after this happened, I started thinking about suicide. Immediately after this happened, my feelings about suicide were much more intense. Immediately after this happened, my depression symptoms engulfed me. I took medicine. I checked my breathing. I did all of my coping techniques. I believed that the feelings and thoughts would subside.

It’s been approximately 54 hours since this happened, but things have not improved. I’m trying very hard to refocus on finding a path out of this hell, but I haven’t had success yet.

The most effective suicide prevention is medical treatment

The studies are clear: lack of medical treatment contributes to suicide. I asked for treatment in Egypt. Denied. In the UK, they said they caused my panic disorder but they refused to treat any of my disorders. I asked for help in the US. Denied. I’m begging for help, and some people have been wonderful, but I haven’t been able to get enough to both eat and get treatment.

Conclusion

I am stupid for being frank, probably including this post. I was feeling suicidal, then a woman who wanted to “donate” her “knowledge” to me made me feel worse, and then a suicide prevention group managed to further increase my suicidal thoughts. I have asked for different kinds of help in multiple posts; the people who will help are already helping. 

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