Today, my struggle with my depression was much worse than it normally is. I felt worthless, profound sadness, and extreme despair. I used every coping mechanism in my arsenal but nothing helped. Usually, I can at least decrease the severity of my symptoms, but everything was ineffective today.
I hate these feelings. I hate that I am required to struggle through these feelings every day. On good days, I only have to struggle with them for a few hours: multiple hours, every day. On bad days, like today, I can measure my relief from my symptoms in minutes. Today, for example, my total relief was around 30 minutes spread over two hours in the afternoon.
I think about death every day. That is not the same as thinking about suicide–I rarely think about suicide. I want to escape from the unrelenting pain and I cannot find a way to do it. The pain itself is not the problem: we all live with pain. The problem is that my pain has been relentless for years. When I am fortunate enough to adapt to a particular pain, it morphs into some new hell.
I rarely get angry, but today I was overwhelmingly angry about my life–not angry at anyone or anything–just angry. Just as sadness and pain are usually good emotions that help us to lead healthier lives, anger, if properly used, can be helpful. This afternoon, my anger was strong enough, and I was able to direct it well enough, that I used it to get out of bed and go to a market I have been wanting to visit.
The market is fantastic. It is massive and the prices are so much lower than the stores near here that I often felt like the items were marked with the wrong price. I still do not have a place to regularly cook food, but I was able to buy foods to lower my costs. When I am able to get a place with a kitchen, I should be able to slash my food bill.
I also managed to buy a new tank top for a couple of dollars. I have been trying to do that since August, so I was able to accomplish two goals today.
