All of the following increased my stress this morning, even the trivial things:
- When I decided to write this post, it took 30 seconds for WordPress to open.
- Because it was taking too long, I tried to switch to OneNote, which was already open, but Windows would not switch to OneNote.
- I had to go to the bathroom, urgently, but someone was in the bathroom.
- LinkedIn told me that an old colleague looked at my profile.
- I asked a friend who is a project manager about project management plugins for WordPress; he recommended one, but when I tried to find it, I had difficulty; the end result: the name he gave me was the shortened name for it and there is not a WordPress plug-in, but there is a WordPress blog about the software.
- There are a couple of flies and mosquitoes buzzing around my room.
- I spilled a few crumbs of falafel when I was eating breakfast.
- I drank all of my coffee and then I reached for the empty cup.
- I woke up because of a nightmare.
I have been awake for 2.5 hours and just prior to writing this post, the above stressors were enough that I was curled in a ball on the bed. I had, and still have, a stomach ache. I feel like crying; I’m tired even though I had enough sleep; I want to lay down in a corner and pretend the world does not exist and pretend I do not feel pain.
Imagine you had a coworker or employee who, every day, suddenly became overwhelmed and crawled under his desk, especially because of something as trivial as a mosquito. No matter how good he was at his job, do you think it would be good for the workplace to have an employee who is afraid to open his emails? (I often feel anxiety about opening email.)
I hate who I am; I hate my life
I hate having to struggle through every hour of every day. I hate that I cannot figure out how to break this cycle. I hate that I am a burden rather than a contributor.