The events of the last 12 days have been much better than than any 12-day period I can think of in the last year. I have been more social with the guests–talking and laughing. I have received much good advice and amazingly wonderful kindness and understanding.
For building a new life, I have come up with one new idea, done significant research on a second idea, and revived a third idea, and all of them are viable. For the last few years, I have rarely had one idea as good as these three and suddenly I have three possibilities.
I even have most of the medicine I need right now, the only thing I do not have is alprazolam, which I take infrequently anyway.
I moved my website to a better webhost and because it is almost three times as fast and does not give me errors, I have been much more productive.
I am fully conscious of all of these great things. Nevertheless, my depression is heartbreaking. Many people do not understand it is possible to have good things happen but still feel depression. It is possible because my depression is not the result of a bad attitude or laziness or lack of motivation. My depression is no different than someone who has incorrect insulin levels (diabetes) or atypical heart rhythms (heart arrhythmia): there are physical processes in my body that I cannot control.
I want to share this situation because I want people to understand that just as diabetes and heart arrhythmia are not solved by a positive attitude, my condition will require some medical treatment. And I want people to understand that I am conscious of the good things in my life and I work very hard to focus on those things. The symptoms from my medical conditions, however, often interfere with my ability to keep good people in my life or build on the momentum of good events.
Psychiatry is still a young medicine and it is not obvious what treatments will help me. Even worse, some of the most promising treatments that fit my specific symptoms are either taboo or illegal. Electroconvulsive therapy, for example, has a horrible stigma, but there is excellent evidence that for someone with my symptoms, it could help my depression. MDMA, also called Ecstasy, has been repeatedly proved as a wonder drug for people with PTSD when the patient takes the medicine during a talk therapy session.
Summary: good days and good events, even a series of them, do not necessarily mean my medical conditions will be magically healed. My rational mind is fully aware of the good things that happen to me and I expend great effort to sustain those good things, but my medical conditions significantly interfere. There are treatments available for me, and I very much want to have access to those treatments so that I may heal my medical problems.
Finally, I hope that even if you have not experienced something like the above events that you have a better understanding of why depression is a medical disorder and not merely a bad attitude.
