More clarity but even more lost

I found a quiet place to lay down and sleep today, which is nearly impossible in downtown Cairo. It didn’t have that many flies, either. The only problem was that it was a construction site, so it was very dirty, and I am covered in dust. I guess the other problem is that I am spending my time trying to find a place to sleep outside in Cairo instead of using my skills to make the world a better place.

While laying down, I thought about the chat I had yesterday. I realized that my idea to find a Daoist institution has the same flaws as finding any religious institution, so my “plan” to try to walk to China has another reason for being very stupid.

But I am out of ideas. My best idea was the patently stupid plan of trying to walk and beg my way through countries such as Iraq, Iran, and Pakistan to maybe find a place to live in China or somehow get to Japan. I knew it was moronic, but I don’t know what else to do. Being homeless in Cairo is no better than being homeless while walking.

Pain, no gain

Another thing I realized is that I don’t mind the pain itself, but in the past, my suffering has benefited someone. Now, I suffer, but no one is benefiting. For much of my life, I was improving myself or improving the world. For the last few years, my suffering was because I refused to hurt other people so that my pain would be decreased. I don’t see any purpose for my pain now. No one is gaining anything.

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