From: Leona
To: Hunter
Sent: 3 Nov 2014 22:50:01 UTC
Subject: Money
Hunter,
When I first heard your story, I’ll be honest, you tugged at my heart strings. You seemed like the kind of person who was just down and out (and we’ve all been there so I can understand that). But as your story progressed things just started to show themselves- your true colors came out, and I am so beyond disgusted.
At first I honestly thought you were using the money to get by, but then weird things started happening. Swing dancing? Taking girls out on dates? Really? Is that the best use of your time OR money? No offense- but if you have time to be dancing why don’t you have time to be finding a f***ing job?
You are taking money from hard-working, giving, humble individuals and using it for your own stupid tour of the world. Get a f***ing job and pay for your own stupid journey. Quit acting like a baby and expecting everyone else to pick up the tab while you live lazily and pathetically wherever the f*** you want. It’s immature. How old are you now? Forty something? And you mean to tell me you can’t find a single f***ing job that will accept you? LIAR! That is NOT true. You could so easily get a job. Especially if all of your ‘story’ is true. An American in foreign countries with a history as well-educated as yours (supposedly- who knows if any of your story is true) would surely be able to find a semi-decent financial situation for themselves.
What kind of arrogant, egotistical, self-centered, pathetic asshole lets other poor people, their friends, and their family pay for them to live a depressed self-loathing life. You act like you are in so much f***ing despair and yet you contradict yourself constantly. You need to pick up the f***ing pieces, grow some balls, act like a man- and pay your own way through life. I am beyond sickened by the way you have behaved, continuing to shamelessly guilt others into ‘helping you’ while you are quite capable (just too pathetic) to help yourself.
Leona.
Notes
I only removed the sender’s last name and email address. The punctuation, including the *** in words is from the original email.
I do not know the sender of the email.
Second paragraph: I assume “Swing Dancing?” refers to the recent time that I tried to get some exercise, be more social, and have some fun (which are all suggested ways of combating depression and anxiety) by going to a free swing dance. Furthermore, teaching swing dancing is a potential income for me. I did not go back, however, because of the stress caused by the ARDC vilifying me for swing dancing.
Second paragraph: “Taking girls out on dates?” must refer to the fact that two women asked me out but that I did not go. I have not dated since I left Justine in May 2013. All of the research about depression is clear: my lack of in-person relationships is certainly a contributor to my mental health problems. My depression is so bad, however, that something that would certainly help my depression (spending time other people) is nearly impossible for me.
Second paragraph: “Is that the best use of your time OR money?” I did not spend any money. I did not go out in part because it would have cost money. As for time, yes, because these things are proved to help cure depression, it would be an excellent use of my time.
Second paragraph: “No offense- but if you have time to be dancing why don’t you have time to be finding a f***ing job?” I have massive amounts of time to get a job, except for the days when my symptoms make it impossible for me to get out of bed. Time is not the problem. I have never gone this long without a job: I hate it.
Third paragraph: “…expecting everyone else to pick up the tab…” I do not expect it. That is a major reason why I have sometimes made things worse by waiting too long to ask for help.
Third paragraph: “And you mean to tell me you can’t find a single f***ing job that will accept you?” I am confident I can find a job. I have done some work for people. Each time, I emotionally fall apart and the work ends. I dropped out of college before I turned 17 and I had my own very successful interior decorating business when I was 17. When I was a prosecutor, I worked 60 to 100 hours per week. I feel extremely weak and completely worthless because I am incapable of working right now. This is tied to whether or not I “expect” people to help me: emotionally, I feel worthless, and I do not expect that people should help me because I do not have any value.
Last paragraph: “You act like you are in so much f***ing despair and yet you contradict yourself constantly.” If this is true, then it might help me to combat my depression. If I am contradicting myself, I am unaware of it. But, if it is true that I am contradicting myself, then maybe I can use that to find a different perspective on my life, and that different perspective might help me break out of some of the depression.
I hate being a leech. One of my very best friends, who I love very much, has recently been helping me tremendously. Because I do not see how my life will improve, I feel that he is wasting his money. In the past, I provided value to my friends and to the world, but today, I am almost completely a leech. Since it seems that things will not change, I do not want to continue to leech from others.
