How much is too much?

I am unsure how much more I can handle. I lost all hope, the emotion, years ago. Since then, I have been relying on other emotions, such as my desire to be pro-social, and relying on my rational mind to try to get me through this period.

I rarely take pictures anymore because the ARDC made me feel like I am dirty and evil because I enjoy photography.

I went swing dancing last week for the first time in years. I did not go back this week and the reason I have not been in many years is because the ARDC made me feel like I am dirty and evil because I like dancing.

I have not dated since I left Justine in May 2013. Whenever I am interested in a woman, I worry about how the ARDC or the Illinois Attorney General will try to use it against me. A few days ago, I finally found the courage to eat dinner with someone. The next day, she told me about the evil things she read about me on the internet. Dating is hard enough without having to try to explain the illegal things the government did to destroy my life. Or having to explain that an order of protection was illegally issued against me and I didn’t do anything wrong. It all sounds too much. Why should anyone who doesn’t know me believe me when even Justine, who is against what the ARDC has done, won’t go and fix the illegal things that have been done to me?

I hurt all the time. I have some medicine now, and I guess it helps, but it doesn’t take away the pain or give me happiness. I have been alone for a long time. The things that used to make me happy, like dancing and photography, have been stolen from me. I have been watching funny movies to try to combat the sadness. Last night, I watched a clever and funny movie but I didn’t laugh at all. I am confident that I would have normally loved the movie.

My thoughts have switched from wanting to be dead to thinking of ways to die. I don’t know how much is too much, but I seriously doubt I can continue to live like this.

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