How a lovely movie can trigger pain

  1. Watching Frankenweenie
    1. The film included “Dutch Day”
      1. Reminded me of Dutch Days in Fulton
      2. Reminded me of Mayfest in Mt. Carroll
    2. Dog is hit and killed by car.
      1. Reminds me of Jenna.
      2. A friend asked me to make a FAQ to describe my symptoms. I think about writing about triggers, but it seems too complicated, so I keep watching the movie.
      3. Images and thoughts about Jenna keep entering my mind, and I am getting more depressed. The point of watching the movie was to escape for a little while, so I decide to try to write a little something about triggers.
      4. Jenna loved to play fetch and she was so affectionate we called her the love terrorist. The dog in the movie reminded me of her.
  2. While searching for things I had written about Jenna, I come across my writings from 13 June 2013 when Justine’s abuse got out of control and I slept half of the night outside of a police station and then went to a homeless shelter. More pain and triggers.
  3. Found a PDF document that I had not posted in the ARDC documents section.
    1. To prepare it for posting, I need to use software that came with a scanner I purchased one month before law school started. Memories of a happy anticipation.
    2. I bought the scanner with the help of my then girlfriend. Memories of happiness and not being alone.
    3. The relationship ended painfully and oddly and she hasn’t spoken to me even though I want to try to resolve how it ended.
    4. Plus, during our relationship, we had a fight and she said something I didn’t expect. I was so surprised, I didn’t say anything. After we broke up, I realized that my silence hurt her deeply, and I feel guilty about it.
    5. All of these memories triggered by opening Adobe Acrobat 7.0.
  4. I found out that I had not posted the document when I tried to link to it. To see that the document was not there, I had to scroll through the thousands of pages of ARDC documents, most of which are incredibly painful.
  5. Moving the Nelson Mandela post from Facebook to my website caused me to watch a video with wonderful singing, which triggered memories of Lauren. I still have unresolved pain about never having heard her sing.
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