I very much hate the person I have become. I am unreliable, disorganized, easily startled, and easily overwhelmed. And not contributing to the world.
I have no choice but to try to earn some money. I am lucky that I do not lack talent, skills, education, or ideas. I contacted a company about a business idea and they were instantly interested; we made an appointment for today for a Skype call. I had terrible insomnia, however, and I did not sleep for a couple of days. For the last many months, it has been rare that I sleep more than two hours without waking up. Today, however, I slept for many hours and nothing woke me up–not even my reminder for the Skype call–and I missed the appointment.
I am not the same person who graduated in the top 3% of my law school class. In 2003, I took the Computer Science GRE even though I had only taken two computer courses in college. To prepare for the exam, I studied on my own for six months by reading ten textbooks I bought from the University of Texas bookstore. I used to be reliable, organized, and capable. Now, I cannot reliably make an appointment for a phone call.
I hate that I cannot control the physical symptoms that I have. It is impossible to force oneself to sleep. I involuntarily get startled by shadows, literally, shadows. I have fight-or-flight panic attacks, which are physical response to a trigger, and my body prepares for a dangerous physical task even though I do not need to run or fight.
I hate that I cannot support myself. I need therapy and medication but because I cannot earn money, I am too poor to get the medical treatment I need. I cannot get three of the four medications that have previously helped me from the doctor I saw recently, but I cannot afford to go to a doctor that can help me. This is the poverty trap. The rich stay healthy. The sick stay poor.
God Part II, U2, Rattle and Hum
