Some improvements

Yesterday, I purchased modafinil 200 mg, 14 tablets for US$44.73. I compared prices at three different places: the prices were within 5% of each other and this was the cheapest. It is possible to purchase packages with more tablets, and that often costs less per pill, but I did not price those.

I took a modafinil yesterday while I was writing the very long post, I am the shadow of who I once was. I was interrupted a few times while I was writing it, but I estimate that I actively wrote for five hours during a sixteen-hour period. Therefore, the medicine had time to affect me during my writing. If it had an effect yesterday, the only effect was to improve my will power.

Will power, however, is one of the best benefits (for me) of modafinil, so that is good. I took the second dose a few hours ago, and I can certainly feel an increase in my will power today. I am still profoundly sad and extremely anxious, but with the boost in my will power, I have been able to do more things to change my mood. Unfortunately, nothing I have tried yet has helped my mood, but this situation is at least more likely to lead to a positive outcome. I missed breakfast this morning, for example, and I firmly believe that because of the modafinil, I will find the will power to go buy some food much sooner than if I did not have the modafinil. Said differently, even though the modafinil does not usually directly improve my mood, it makes it more likely that I can do things that will directly improve my mood—and improve my life.

Waleed

Thank you, Waleed, for sending me cash explicitly for medicine. Years ago, you and I had a fascinating conversation about what it means to be a person who does good things (or evil things). You had a brilliant observation: most people believe that their actions are generally good. You made this observation years before psychologists proved that nearly everyone believes they are above average, and of course, it is statistically impossible for most people to be above average.

We have known each other for 25 years now, and my expert opinion is that when measuring your kindness for, and goodwill towards, other people, you are not merely above average, you are an outlier. I am extremely lucky to have had you in my life for so many years.

Sleeping and alprazolam

When I am low on medicine, I tightly ration it. I know from experience that I am almost always excessive in my rationing: I deny myself the benefit of the medicine at times when I should take the medicine. When I bought the alprazolam, I resolved to improve this problem. It has been difficult, but I have made some progress.

In the process, I have discovered a way of using the medicine to improve its benefits. In the past, I would only take a pill when I was feeling “enough” anxiety. My sleep schedule has been terrible, however, and I have experimented on a few nights by taking an alprazolam to help me fall asleep. It did not help me to regulate my sleep schedule, but it had an even better benefit.

For years, I almost always wake up to extreme anxiety. For the last few months, I usually wake up to a panic attack or a nightmare. In the last couple of weeks, when I have taken an alprazolam before sleeping, I have woken up with noticeably less anxiety. The sample size is small—five (?) nights—but the results are logical. Even better than waking up to less anxiety is that I tend to have less anxiety during the entire day because I start the day at a lower anxiety level.

The second-best effect of modafinil (for me) is that it regulates my sleep schedule as if I were connected directly to the atomic clock. I expect that within a few days, I will have a normal sleep schedule, and that will help me to lead a more normal life. I have sometimes had difficulty going to the store, for example, because by the time I was awake, had enough will power, and had low enough anxiety to go to the store, everything was closed.

Two weeks; two days

I have only had the alprazolam for a couple of weeks, and I have only had the modafinil for two days, so it would be silly for me to extrapolate the above experiences too far into the future. On the other hand, I have used these medications before and they have been extremely useful. I cannot think of a reason why they will not continue to help me cope and improve my situation.

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