In August 2010, I moved back to Chicago. I had to abandon a couple thousand dollars of stuff because I could not fit it all in the truck and I was moving everything myself. In August 2011, I moved in to my car. I had to abandon even more things because I had no where to store stuff that did not fit in my car. My dad used an extra-judicial process to take possession of the car we co-own. So in June 2013, when I left Justine, I had to abandon anything I could not carry in suitcases. In October 2013, I moved to Cairo. I had to abandon everything that could not fit in my backpack. Now I am moving into a tent, and I must abandon more things to make room for camping equipment.

Each time I had to abandon things, it was a loss–not just of material possessions, but of memories of my past and dreams for my future. Today, I will abandon the suit I have been carrying with me since June 2013. I used to wear it to court. I used to believe that I would be respectable again and that I would need it again. Losing the material objects is not as upsetting as having my past torn from me or as painful as seeing my dreams fade.

He who saves will suffer heavy loss. Whether I like it or not, I will need to learn non-attachment or I will not survive. Nevertheless, today, as I abandon more things, I grieve.

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