If I were confident that the pain and degradation in my life would eventually end, if I knew exactly when it would end, and if I did not have to suffer like this for that much longer, then I believe I could get through this. But sometimes, life does not get better. And there is no rational reason to believe that things will ever change.
Before I got sick, I finally managed to see the doctor again and I got a prescription for diazepam. It instantly helped me to cope with my anxiety and I was able to do a lot more during the next 24 hours. Then I started feeling very sick from the food poisoning. Normally, feeling sick would worsen my depression and anxiety symptoms. But the diazepam was able to control my anxiety symptoms well enough that even though I was horribly sick, it did not make me feel more depressed or anxious.
But my computer broke, then worked for a short time, then broke again, then worked for a short time, and, now it is broken again, and it might be dead.
My computer is essential to surviving with so few possessions (and a very small “income”). It is essential for helping me cope with my symptoms.
I cannot maintain this level of suffering indefinitely. Many experiences here have proved to me that if I had enough support, I could heal and I could become a productive part of society again. The experiences of the last few years also prove that I cannot do it without sufficient help.
Four-and-one-half years ago, in February 2010, when I told my family I was fired, not one of them said anything like, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Instead, they were coincidentally trying to plan a last-minute family reunion and they kept pressuring me to quickly decide if I would go on a cruise with them three months later in May 2010. I tried explaining to them that my first priority was to find a job and that if I did find a job it was unlikely I could get vacation time so quickly, and if I did not have a job by then, then I needed to save my money. In response, all of them said, “But we can only get this price if we buy it in the next 48 hours, so you have to decide now if you can go.” I was telling them that I could not go, but they could not hear me. And I was telling them that I just got fired from the job that had given me the most fulfillment from a job, but they barely acknowledge what I said to them. If they mentioned my lack of a job it was to say, “Since you do not have a job, you can surely go on the cruise with us.”
From the beginning of this entire mess, I have had extremely little support. It is irrational for me to believe that I will suddenly find enough support to heal. It has been too painful for too long.
