I am not sure any more. I have some ideas, and my guess is that I am writing on this website for multiple reasons. Furthermore, I am probably unaware of one or more of the reasons I am writing this.
I do not remember when I first considered writing on my website about my life's recent events. Throughout this entire ordeal, I have wanted to keep my private-life private. I do not recall thinking of this idea before March 2012, but it is possible I had considered it before then.
First, a straw broke my back
Like many people, I have used the cliché "the straw that broke the camel's back", but until March 2012, I did not really understand it. (Not appreciating a cliché is natural because clichés start as powerful phrases but are used so often that they lose their effectiveness.) In retrospect, the simple truth of the cliché is so simple and obvious that I do not know how I missed it; on the other hand, it seems absurd to think that someone is so burdened that just one more straw would break them.
In March 2012, I found my breaking point. Before I broke, despite how much I had been through, I still had some hope and I was still shouldering my burdens. (I was barely handling the burdens, but my back was not broken.) The actual event that was the straw that broke my back is not relevant to why I might be writing about my life, if events had happened in a different order, then it might have been a different straw.
Why did one straw break the camel's back? Here's the secret:
The million other straws underneath it
It's all mathematics
Mathematics by Mos Def, from the album Black on Both Sides (Rawkus Records 1999)
I am sure that I wish that my story will help someone avoid some of the pain I have experienced, and I especially wish that no one else breaks from their burdens. On the other hand, I do not have any profound thoughts to share, so I am not sure how readers can use my story to avoid complete hopelessness in their lives.
A duty to others
As I explain elsewhere (on the homepage as of 6 July 2012), I have an overdeveloped feeling of duty to others and to mankind in general. I have a feeling that I owe a duty to other people to explain what has happened. I do not understand why I have that feeling, and I cannot think of a logical reason why I would have this duty, but I am aware that I feel obligated to explain things.
It is difficult to explain all of the events so no one else knows everything that has happened
First, as I explain in other places, I usually did not tell many people what was happening as it was happening. I did not tell some people because I considered it private. Even once it was not private, I did not want to complain, so I still did not talk about it with many people. Second, the issues include many different topics (such as law, psychology, family relationships, and the job market), many of the issues are highly technical or complex (such as legal procedure or managing complex family relationships), some of the issues are essentially inaccessible to some people in my life (some people in my life, for example, have not had to deal with depression, do not understand it, and have not educated themselves about it), nearly every issue is tied to some other issue, so even if someone understands the legal aspect, they may not understand the interpersonal relationships, and finally, these events involve decisions going back to at least to August 2006—it is difficult to summarize seven years ofnts and choices.
Since no one in my life knows the entire story, no one really understands what I am going through. Even people who can see that I broke in March 2012 do not understand "the million other straws underneath it". I think that I am writing things down to help the people in my life understand what I am going through.
I want some parts of law to change
Maybe other people have had problems similar to mine, and maybe that will lead to changes in the law. I doubt anything will change, but I still desire some changes.
I want to expose the obviously unethical and possibly criminal behavior of some specific lawyers
Even if I clearly prove that some lawyers have acted unethically or criminally, I do not expect anything to happen. I expect most people will dismiss anything I write by saying, "Of course Hunter Hogan is pointing the finger at other people: he has been charged with ethical violations." Psychological research shows that people tend to believe authority figures simply because they are authority figures. All people have an innate bias towards believing the government and disbelieving the accused person. I knew this research before I went to law school, and I would be a fool to think that my story is so special that it will overcome this bias.
The possibility of help?
I have talked to multiple people about "total hopelessness", and while all of them understand feeling pessimistic or "despondent", none of them have understood a complete lack of hope. Based on the conversations, it is obvious that most people do not even believe that it is possible to feel completely hopeless. Most people assume that I must have a scintilla of hope left and they try to encourage me and to add to the tiny bit of hope they assume I must have. Some people have really tried to understand total hopeless, but the feeling is so extreme that no one has been able to fully grasp it.
My complete loss of hope did not happen until March 2012. Before then, my hope would ebb and flow, but it was steadily decreasing. Even during my worst days in January and February 2012, I do not think I could image total hopelessness. I could observe that my hope was decreasing, but I do not think it occurred to me that it was possible to literally lose all hope. I am speculating about how I viewed things because I never asked myself, "Is it possible to lose all hope?" I think if I had asked that question that my answer would be that it was impossible. From a logical standpoint, I think I would have concluded that it would be as impossible as trying to hold your breath until you die—eventually, some part of your body overrides your will power and you take a breath. The analogy is imperfect, but I think I assumed that hope and oxygen were both necessary for human existence.
I have felt complete hopelessness for four months now (March to July 2012), and unless I am unaware of some hope lurking in my spirit, it is possible to be alive and feel totally hopeless. Rationally, I think it is possible to change parts of my life. It seems that there is still a very small chance, for example, of repairing some of the carnage the ARDC lawyers have caused. I can logically see that there is a small chance, but I still do not have any feelings of hope. Even though a lottery ticket only has a 1-in-15-million chance of winning the jackpot, when I have purchased a lottery ticket, I always felt a little hope that I would win. In my current life, I do not even feel that tiny bit of hope—about anything.
While it is possible that my life could change, especially with some help, I do not think it is a reason I am writing about my life. Since I do not feel hope that things will change, the possibility of change does not motivate me. But everyone else thinks that things can get better and nearly everyone says that it will get better. If I did not try to change things or find help, then I would feel very guilty for disappointing a few of those people. Because I feel I owe something to those few people, an indirect reason for my writing about my life is the possibility that it could lead to change or help.
The desire to be heard
For at least 17 years, I have observed that I have a desire for (some) other people to hear me and to understand me. I do not want everyone to hear me: just specific people. It seems that the closer my relationship with a person, the more I desire for them to hear me and to understand me. This might be normal behavior: I have not been able to understand my desire, I have only been able to observe that I have it.