I used what little strength I had to get to the hospital today. They gave me 3 days of Effexor and nothing else. I took the first Effexor. Here’s the issue: I took that Effexor on total blind faith that somehow things will get dramatically better very quickly. If I take these pills, if I don’t get new pills, then I will go through Serotonin Withdrawal Syndrome. My choice was no medicine at all and continue to not eating and not drinking (a person can only live about five days without water and I went three days last week), or take this Effexor and risk SWS but maybe have slightly more emotional strength for three days, AND, this is important something external to my life has to dramatically change during those days because I don’t have enough money or strength or a computer to make a change in my life.
It looks like the closest places where I might be able to get treatment are in Europe, but I can’t get there with the little money I have. It has taken me over 12 hours, after returning from the hospital, to get the strength to come out here and face the screaming kids, mother who hates me, and the two hostel employees who do not like me because they are in trouble with their boss. I can’t go to another place because I don’t have any money and this by far the least expensive place and it is the most clean, which is very important for my physical health (smoking) and my mental health (showers, bathrooms, smells, bugs, flies, and mosquitoes).
I lay on the floor at the hospital and cried today. When other patients at a psychiatric hospital feel pity for you, I do not think that is a good sign. When the employees think you are crying too much—at a hospital that treats many people who have been involved in wars or revolutions—I do not think it is a good sign.
I need saving.
