Hopelessness

Some relevant facts

  1. I’m sleeping on the streets, but the rainy season has started here. So far, I’ve been lucky. I’m not sure where to go because if I live this same life but in a different region, then rain is not in my top ten problems.
  2. US$37.10 and MXN$441 = ~US$60.44
  3. I didn’t have alprazolam for a few days again, and this time the hypersensitivity to noise was even worse. I am absolutely confident that low dopamine activation is a significant cause of many symptoms. The hypersensitivity is arguably the symptom that is the most disabling. I need to increase my dopamine activation even more than its current level. I know the perfect medicine for it, but I cannot possibly afford it.
  4. Medicines I must have or my life is more dangerous:
    1. Venlafaxine: 6 days left
    2. Bupropion: 3 days left
    3. Modafinil: 9 days left
  5. Medicines that would reduce my stress or pain
    1. Diazepam: 0 doses
    2. Loratadine: 10 days left
    3. Ibuprofen: 4 tablets left
  6. For one week, I had redness, swelling, and pain on my right index finger, to the right of my fingernail. I had never experienced anything like it. Ten days ago, I felt it resembled a cyst or an infection. With difficulty, I pushed on it until it popped. It ejected a large amount of pus, and it was extremely painful. For the next week, I pierced it with a needle to drain it, applied medicines, and treated it as best I could. I’m still unsure what it was. I still have some pain in that location, and I don’t know what is happening.
  7. I still have a toothache, but it has moved. For many weeks, I have had an infection on the right side of my jaw. The infection has stayed under my teeth or in my gums, but it has moved, spread, and shrank over time.
    1. I almost eradicated it three days ago, but it moved to the next tooth and very deep in my gum. This location is more dangerous than the other places it has been because it is closer to my bone and that increases the risk of the infection spreading to the bone. (I had the good fortune to speak to a dental student and he looked at my teeth and taught me some new things.)
    2. I am out of floss, and I would be a fool to buy floss because that would mean less money for medicine and food.
    3. I need a dental pick. I have no idea what it costs or where I would buy it, but that doesn’t matter because I would be an idiot to buy it.
    4. I need an oral antiseptic. Of the antiseptics I have investigated, the prices range from MXN$65 to MXN$200 per bottle. The bottles are different sizes, so some would last longer than others, and each of the four antiseptics I looked at used different active ingredients. But I cannot buy any of them. Whether this infection heals or causes me more serious problems will be based almost entirely on luck.
      1. Actually, I have one option if the abscess continues to grow. I have a field surgical kit.
      2. I would cut open my gum, drain the abscess, keep the hole open for a few days to continue to drain the infection, and then let it close.
      3. If I am able to make a small enough incision, I won’t need to stitch the opening closed.
      4. I don’t have a dental anesthetic, though. I imagine the pain would be severe. I don’t have a dental analgesic (And I am low on ibuprofen.) I have a topical gel of naproxen sodium (analgesic) and lidocaine (mild local anesthetic). (Aspercreme is a similar product.) I have been using that in my mouth when the pain has been unbearable. When I have accidentally swallowed some, I did not enjoy the experience because this creme has the same ingredients that cause Icy Hot to be cold then hot.
      5. I also don’t have antiseptic or antibiotics that are appropriate for use in the mouth. I have a topical creme that is two antibiotics and one anti-inflammatory. (Neosporin is three antibiotics but no anti-inflammatory.) I’ve tried to use that in my mouth, but the texture of the creme doesn’t work well in the mouth: it just slides around instead of staying where I put it.
  8. I have one USB cable. Every USB cable I have owned has eventually stopped working. I have three USB devices.
    1. The phone is very important. It only costs me MXN$150 for 28 days, and I get unlimited usage of tons of services and I get internet access. Previously, to get internet access, I would have to go to a restaurant with free WiFi. Most places here don’t have it. Plus, the cheapest places to eat are food carts or places that certainly don’t have WiFi. The net effect was that I was paying more money for food so that I could have WiFi. I was certainly paying more than MXN$150 every 28 days in extra food costs. So, this phone saves me money.
    2. Yes, I need internet access: public libraries are extremely rare here and free computers to access the internet are almost non-existent. In all of Mexico, I only recall seeing one place, and it was only open 10 hours per week.
    3. This last USB cable doesn’t function properly. If I don’t align the cable in the USB device at just the right angle, it will indicate that it is charging, but the charge will increase by about 1% per hour. It will stop working in the near future.
    4. I think USB cables range from MXN$20 for a very short one if I can get lucky to MXN$200 for a 2m cable. A long time ago, I paid MXN$110 for a 2m and it eventually broke. When I was comparing that cable to the more expensive cable, I couldn’t see a difference.
    5. If this cable stops working, I should buy a new one, but buying a USB cable will be extremely stressful for me: I can’t eat a USB cable and a USB cable cannot increase my dopamine activity.
  9. I sewed a broken part of my backpack. It was close to becoming a serious problem.
  10. I fixed the primary handle on my backpack, and that will extend the life of the right shoulder strap. (Don’t ask: it’s a long, boring, unnecessary story.)
  11. Some of the other things I need to repair are starting to become more serious problems. If I don’t repair these clothes, I will need to buy more clothes, which would be more expensive. Furthermore, my two pants have features that make my life much easier, and they are extremely difficult to find in Mexico. I can’t repair them myself because I don’t have the necessary equipment.

Survival, healing, and self-sufficiency 

It is absolutely impossible for me to survive without more help. Furthermore, it is absolutely impossible for me to heal and earn money without more support than the survival help. I have many years of evidence, however, that indicates I certainly will not get sufficient help to heal. And the trend for many years has been a steady decline in my ability to find survival support.

I am not valuable

When I wasn’t too sick to fix their computer, people thought I was valuable. When I wasn’t too sick, tons of people asked me legal questions and thought I was valuable. If I were not sick, I would be able to do those things and more, and people would think I was valuable again. But because I am too sick to build my mother a website, I am not valuable to her. Because I have so many medical problems that I can’t give anything in return for support, I have no value to most people.

I deserve to suffer and I deserve my increased risk of death

If all of the people I have helped sent me US$0.50 per month (after fees), I would have more than enough money to heal and recover. But that is not how our culture works. Unless I can do something now to deserve support, then I deserve the life I currently have.

Click here for the page almost no one visits and even fewer people use.

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