The good news is that I am not as naive as I once was. This time, I can see that Justine is preparing to attack me. In the past, I was often unaware of the abusive things she did to me, and if I was aware, I was usually shocked that she would attack me.
I surrender
In the Abrahamic religions, surrendering to God or to God’s will or to God’s plan is an important part of faith. In Buddhism and Daoism, the analogous ideas are typically translated into English as acceptance or non-resistance. The effect is the same: stop fighting against the universe.
In that sense, I surrender. I have explicitly stated that I want to change the world, but I must let that go: surrender that need. I do not have the strength to fight. I cannot fight against the universe, and I cannot fight against whatever Justine will do.
Surrender is not passive
To surrender is not to lay on the ground and do nothing. Surrendering is an action; to surrender fully, one must do something. For me a primary change is that I am not planning for a future. Instead, I will use what little resources I have left to tell my story. And then I am done.
