Things are better than a few weeks ago and a few months ago. The major reason things are better is that I have more help. In fact, without the additional help, I would not have been able to achieve the things I have done over the last two months.
Emotionally and psychologically, I am better than I was one, two, and three months ago. I have some symptoms and problems that I did not have before I went to the United Kingdom, but things have improved. I have some odd sensations that I do not know how to properly describe. Many of the sensations are similar to when a body part “falls asleep” and is “waking up”. I sometimes feel something that might be described as numbness combined with a slight tingling. It is uncomfortable or maybe very slightly painful. The feelings tend to happen in my “extremities”: hands, feet, legs, and arms. When I feel it, I will often try to relieve the uncomfortable feeling by stretching, rubbing my skin, and popping the joints. That relief is mild. If I am hungry, eating sometimes helps. I try to sleep, but it is usually difficult. Of all the symptoms and obstacles I deal with, despite how often I feel this and uncomfortable it is, I try to just cope with it because it is not as bad as other things.
My startle reflex is still out of control. Noises, sudden movements, or anything unexpected often startles me. A true reflex, which this is, is completely involuntary: it is impossible to suppress the response. Because the startle reflex is a stress response, getting startled causes my body to go into “fight or flight” mode. Obviously, it is literally stressful to have multiple stress responses every day–to events that are not stressful. Last night, when I was sleeping, someone sneezed or coughed and it startled me from sleep with a huge startle reflex reaction. It took me a couple of hours to fall asleep again.
Despite these symptoms, my overall condition has improved over the last month. I still have panic attacks, but I only have a handful each day.
About ten days ago, my progress plateaued. I have been trying to find something to continue my improvement but I have been unable to overcome my current set of obstacles. The major thing I have wanted to do is to get some low-doze benzodiazepines, a fast-acting but short-lives anti-anxiety medication. Benzodiazepines were very helpful in the past but I ran out of them months ago. I can certainly get some but, poetically, my anxiety has prevented me from being able to go to the doctor–to get a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine. Even worse, I only have one day of venlafaxine left. It helps reduce my anxiety, so if I run out, my anxiety will get worse and everything will get much much worse.
I have another significant problem: if I am able to overcome my anxiety and get both of these prescriptions, I will not have any more money. I wish I were exaggerating, or saying “no money” the way most people mean it, but I really mean that my total available cash will be zero or quite close. I have been very lucky that a few friends have been helping me, and it is only because of their help that I have been sleeping in a bed and eating. Still, I have to decide between medicine and lodging.
