The mountain won’t come to me, and I can’t afford to go to the mountain

  1. My research tells me that it’s much better if I go to a different mountain range.
    1. The first bus ticket is MXN$682.
    2. I might be able to get a discounted price of MXN$430, but I would have to wait one day. I haven’t always been able to get the discounted price. And it’s raining here, so finding a place to sleep could be terrible.
    3. The second bus is a third class bus without a website. I think it will cost MXN$100.
  2. For about six days, I’ve had all of my medicines, vitamins, and supplements except modafinil. It’s been extremely difficult to do anything because the modafinil is the best way to fight the symptoms of despair. The cost for 14 days of medicine is MXN$713.
  3. I sold some more equipment. Of the equipment I still have, I must have it or it doesn’t have resale value.
  4. Yesterday and today, I begged for the medicine or money outside of a grocery store that sells the modafinil. I received a little food and less than MXN$50, but no modafinil.
  5. I don’t think my toe is broken. Some of the toenail might still be on my toe, so maybe it will grow back. Walking is still painful. The cuts on various parts of my body are healing. I have a few large and painful bruises. Doing anything still hurts, even sitting or sleeping.
  6. I repaired my sandals, my day pack, and my sleeping equipment.
  7. I miss the dog. A drunk guy bothered me at 3 a.m. while I was sleeping. If I still had the dog, that wouldn’t have happened. I would be more secure, I would feel more secure, and I would have a sweet friend.
  8. Cash MXN$140.90
  9. PayPal US$64.68 (MXN$1142)
  10. If I buy the modafinil, I must stay in this area to find the thing that might help me heal. But, I’ve searched for weeks and I’ve not found it. Especially because walking is currently very difficult, this option would fail.
  11. If I buy the bus ticket, I can’t buy modafinil. I might make it to my destination, but my symptoms will keep me from searching for what I need.
  12. When I go to the other location, it’s very remote: no ATM, no bank, and no place to buy modafinil.
  13. If I beg and get enough money for the modafinil and the bus tickets, I won’t have money for food. And if I find the thing that will heal me, I won’t have money to buy it.
  14. I need at least US$300. If I can get that immediately, go to the other mountain, and get the medicine, then the scientific research suggests there is a high probability I will heal enough to be able to work. My PayPal is [email protected].
  15. For as long as I can remember, I had a phobia of roaches. Phobia, as in, a disorder: if someone merely talked about them, I would get nauseated and sometimes vomit. It seems that the phobia is gone. They strongly disgust me, but I don’t have a phobia disorder anymore. That’s one good thing to come from these experiences.
  16. Nevertheless, for the last few weeks, my intuition has been telling me that I need to explicitly state the following.
  17. I hate my life.
  18. I hate who I am.
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