My computer is broken; I do not know why it will not turn on properly and I have spent eight hours working on it. I have no idea if I will be able to fix it. I am using the hostel’s computer to write this, but I will not have regular access.
In the past, I have felt a complete loss of hope and many other strong, negative feelings. Today, I feel very little. I do not feel numb or empty; I have sadness and disappointment and pain, but they are faint feelings. When a fluorescent light bulb, or a star, have used most of their resources, they still emit a little light, but it is faint. That is how I feel.
- I do not want money.
- I do not want a new computer.
- I do not want pity.
- I absolutely do not want advice, “You should…”, or “All you need to do is…”
- I do not need a swift kick in the ass, and if you think I do, then prove it: come to Cairo and give me your swift kick in the ass and I will put my fist through your skull. That is not a metaphor; you should only purchase a one-way ticket.
Three truths
“You brought this on yourself”
My father ultimately decided not to help, and to actively hurt me by fraudulently taking possession of the car we both own, in part because he said, “You brought this on yourself.” He did not elaborate, but at the time, I understood it to mean that he believed my 15 minutes with Justine were the cause of my problems and that I deserved what was happening to me.
He is wrong about the cause, but he may be right that I brought this on myself.
Truth is cheap, or expensive depending on your view
Justine has collected well over $100,000 from various men by lying to them, manipulating them, or, in her words, conning them. She knows some of the men, but many of them she found over the internet. She started her con game when I was still with her, but she did not tell me about it. One time, I was writing something on Facebook or my website, and she attacked me and tried to take my computer. I was very confused. She said I would mess up everything. Now I understand that one of her lies to the other men was that I had moved out, and what I was writing made it clear that I had not moved out. I wrote it anyway, and the men still sent her thousands of dollars.
In comparison, I have always told the truth, but I have struggled to get any help. A few very kind people have helped me, but when I asked my brother if I could shower at his house from time to time, he offered to buy me lunch. No one is sending me $1000 per month as just one man did for Justine.
Telling the truth has not benefited me financially, so in that sense, it is cheap. On the other hand, telling the truth has cost me my job, my career, my law license, my mental health, my physical health, nearly all of my physical possessions, my family, nearly all of my friends, and it seems, my life. In that sense, the truth has been expensive.
I “lack potential”
Justine explained to me that she was able to get men to give her money and that I was not able to get financial help because she was young, had her entire life ahead of her, and had potential, but I was too, already had my chance, and had little potential in the future. “Plus, I [Justine] am cute.”
The fool
My father was partly right: I did bring this on myself. I foolishly trusted Scott Brinkmeier to follow the law and to keep his word. Instead, when I showed him case law that suggested his actions were illegal, after some hesitation, he did not fix his mistakes, but added to his illegal action by doing more illegal things, such as fabricating a document, purposely including documents in a subpoena that should not have been in the subpoena, and purposely excluding documents that should have been included in the subpoena.
I was a fool for sacrificing my friendship with Naomi and Justine because I believed that it was more important for the two of them to have a healthy relationship than it was important for me to have friends during my crisis. Instead of strengthening her relationship with her daughter and helping her daughter to grow, Naomi has spent over four years trying to hurt her daughter (and me).
I was a fool for believing in the propaganda that “lawyers are the only self-regulating profession, and we regulate ourselves as peers.” There are no peers in law: lawyers are obsessed with power and with status. Most lawyers will do anything to increase their power or to improve their status. Scott Brinkmeier was motivated by a desire to ascend to a higher political position. He and Wendy Muchman demonstrated that they did not care about my alleged bad acts by completely ignoring the so-called victim: Justine. No one at the ARDC, including Wendy Muchman, attempted to contact Justine for over two years. They made their decisions based on how the outcome would affect their status in the Illinois legal and political world. Justine was irrelevant. My life, my career, and my health were sacrifices to the gods of power, prestige, and political standing.
I was a fool for trusting Justine. When I lived with her, and we had food only because I was receiving food stamps from the government, I did not ask questions when she suddenly purchased thousands of dollars of pets, electronics, and furniture. She expected me to treat her the way her parents did and interrogate her. “How much did this cost?! Where did you get the money for this?!” I never did that and it never occurred to me to do that because I treated her with respect. She was an adult, I was not her parent, her teacher, or her boss, and she did not owe me any explanation; I never asked. I was a fool to trust her. She allowed me to sacrifice my time for her when she did not need it. I missed many legal deadlines because I was trying to help her, but she had tens of thousands of dollars in the bank and did not need my help. She felt loved when she saw me sacrifice for her, so she allowed me to throw away my chance to fight against the legal case and an opportunity to heal my wounds.
Yes, Dad, I brought this on myself by being a fool.
No plans, still
I tried to make plans; they failed. I tried to make aspirations; they failed in less than 24 hours. I stopped trying to make plans. Whether or not I am able to fix my computer, this event underscores the fragility of my existence. I posses a computer, a camera, approximately 20 pills (total) of various medications, less than US$100, one shirt, one pair of pants, and one backpack. Losing my computer is a massive loss.
The loss would not matter if I were healthy. If I were healthy, I would not be in this position at all. I do not have the strength, or the support, to cope with my life. I do not have a plan, and as I mentioned above, I do not want partial plans or partial help. I need, not want, I need a comprehensive solution. Anything less will fail because I have too many problems in my life.
No goodbyes
I discovered another truth recently: it is unlikely that if it is time to say goodbye that I will have the opportunity to say goodbye. I have not decided if that means I should say goodbye, just in case, or if I should just accept this truth. The absurd part here is that whether or not I say goodbye does not matter for my life; it would only be for the benefit of other people. Even now, I am a fool because I continue to expend energy and time considering how I can make life better for other people.
